3 sex toy legends I’m dying to try

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Magic Wand Original

Magic Wand Original

Magic Wand Original

This behemoth of a massager is the first toy I ever wanted to try. It all started way before it was legal for me to watch porn, before I realized that I might not be straight, before I even experimented with penetration. I was discovering my body, reading everything I could on sex, masturbation and orgasms. That’s how I’ve stumbled upon Betty Dodson’s site (the old version). WOW. The teen me was so impressed. In a matter of days I used Kaaza Lite to download pirated copies of all of her masturbation and orgasm coaching videos I could find. I was fascinated. I vividly remember how the women lost control, trembled, shook and finally trashed under the power of The Hitachi.

I’ve grown up in a culture where sexual pleasure was the domain of men. Men were both the subjects and the objects in the erotic narratives I consumed. The portrayal of women and their sexuality didn’t speak to me so I’ve switched to a strict slash fan fiction diet. Probably that’s why no matter how much I’ve read on the great sexual potential of women it didn’t ring true. Until I’ve seen those videos. Then I got it. Loud (with headphones) and clear.

If I lived in the US Magic Wand would have been my first sex toy. As it happened, living in Poland, in the beginning of the new millennium, long before the Silicone Revolution and on a very limited budget of a high schooler who doesn’t get regular pocket money, I choose another staple. A jelly rabbit. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. It made my orgasms more intense and got me comfortable with penetration. But later it came about that it was a double agent working with yeast and other hostile agents to cause mayhem and overthrow the established lactobacillus cultures in the down under.

Since this time I’ve tried 3 wand-style massagers, 2 of them corded. I’ve liked them, but to a degree. The power is good, but nothing earth-shattering. The durability is very poor. As much as I love tease and denial, it stops being fun when it’s provided not by your hot girlfriend but by a temperamental toy. From reading comparison reviews of what I have and The Wand I know that it’s not my clit. It’s them. I’m done with the imitations. I want the real thing. NOW.

Recently I came very close to fulfilling that dream. I was contacted by the lovely people from Maxi Wand. They are an authorized distributor of the Magic Wand Original – it’s their job to make sure you get the good stuff and not an under-powered, shorting out or overheating fake. I got very excited! I could almost feel the brutal, demanding thud of the Wand on my genitals. I fantasized about those tease and denial sessions with my girlfriend where the only thing I can utter is a shaky “May I please come, Miss?”. When I got my period I popped the pills massaging my tummy and whispering “Soon, soon.”1 Unfortunately, them being an official distributor meant that they have to obey the rules. That means no wands in Europe. I’ve heard of many people using the wand with the 230V adapter and not one person getting shocked. But them’s the rules. Eh, I’ll get mine sometime.

Meanwhile there is also a UK version of the Wand. It’s called UK Wand and retails for £79.95, UK shipping included. As I’m updating this, there is £20 limited time discount, so hurry up ;) Just like the Original it has 2 speeds but the creators also added 8 patterns. That’s why the standard switch is replaced by a two button (next and on/off) control. It can be ordered through the official UK Wand website.

The Eroscillator

Eroscillator in purple as opposed to the traditional copper.

Eroscillator in purple as opposed to the traditional copper.

Eroscillator is a big, industrial looking, mains-powered clit toy just like the Magic Wand. However that’s where the similarities end. Where the Wand is broad the Eroscillator is pin-point. Where one is powerful the other is subtle and made for prolonged stimulation. The unique and patented oscillating motion was inspired by the oh so common sexual misuse of electric toothbrushes.

The main reason I want it is that unlike other vibrators it doesn’t cause a temporary clitoral numbness associated with other powerful vibrators. My libido tends to fluctuate a lot, mainly around my menstrual cycle. I either want to play all the time or I couldn’t be bothered for more than a 5 minute quickie orgasm to help me sleep. During those binges I spend a lot of the time masturbating with strong clitoral vibrators, which takes a toll on my clit. When I initiate sex with my girlfriend, I’m much less likely to come from her mouth alone if a short couple of hours ago I was using my Comfort Massager. It still feels great, and if I add anal and vaginal penetration or switch to a vibe I can get where I want. But it makes me wonder how would it be if my response was heightened instead of dampened, without having to give up my solo orgasms and without switching to my fingers (and losing about 80% of the pleasure).

Plus, from the type of stimulation my girlfriend enjoys, where a single finger on the clitoris can only be surpassed by the We-Vibe bullets, I think the Eroscillator would be great for her too. And it would put an end to the “Why is the Tango not charged?” ongoing argument. 2

The Pure Wand

Pure Wand by N-Joy

Pure Wand by N-Joy

While the previous toys were all about the external, this one is a g-spotting power tool. And unlike the two above, it’s beautiful. The slick, shiny stainless steel promises an effortless glide while the sharp curve taunts with punishingly intense stimulation. It’s touted as the best and most effective squirting tool. I want it.

So far I’ve found out that penetration-wise I prefer glass to shiny silicone to matte one. The less drag the better, at least when it comes to how easily and quickly I can get into the swing of things. I still love the Fun Factory Bouncer and the Stronic Zwei, but that’s also because their curves are gentle, so even hard thrusting with the former rocks but doesn’t jar. However for a very long time my favourite dildo was the Amethyst g-spotter. I loved the focus, the intensity… until it became too little. I got comfortable with penetration and now it’s only good for the first orgasm. After that it doesn’t feel substantial or extreme enough.


Of course those three are not the only toys I dream of trying. Vixen Creations tempts me with the tales of the softness of their VixSkin double layer silicone. Bad Dragon arouses me with their exotic designs that would go so well with the porn I’m recently enjoying. Mathew Healy makes me crave his unique and magnificent glass artistry. Ah, what a wonderful, yet painful time to be a sex toy aficionado.

Please note that while this post was sponsored by Maxiwand, all the contained opinions and endorsements are mine.

  1. Only orgasms from big massagers chase my cramps away as effectively as (but far more promptly then) Ibuprofen.
  2. While the battery life of the Tango is much improved, we are still a pair of lazy pants who always forget to put things in order after we finish using them. Just ask my tablet when was the last time it ate. I don’t know how our chinchillas stay so chubby.

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